Why I Should Not Do Stand-Up Comedy

Because it would probably look something like this…

Making his comedy debut here tonight is a man who wanted no introduction, Labias & Rapists, give a mediocre cold shoulder for Joshua Scott Hotchkin.

Thank you. If you could please turn your phones back on and follow me on Twitter before I get started, and you wake up hungover and forget to unfollow, that would be great. Thank you.

*comedian waits while audience fidgets with their phones

I was going to write some jokes for tonight. But then I did some research and realized that the sort of things people actually laugh at are all pretty much cliches or stereotypes and couldn’t bring myself to stoop that low intellectually.

*audience chaffs

Another option was to just say something which would shock you, forcing you into discomfort or laughter, according to the incongruency theory of humor. Who here subscribes to the incongruency theory of humor?

*audience groans psychically

Finally I explored silly songs, ventriloquism, or some other form of specialty comedic entertainment; but my interest in them was only slightly unnumbered by my lack of skills in those areas. However I do have a wooden hand up my ass right now, so if I fail it is only as a prop.

*audiences throws disdain at me

When I finally settled on wry absurdism, I knew it would be a failure, but at least I would be hated with dignity.

*audience throws actual objects

If you like what you see here tonight, I am available to work clown conventions and mime roasts.

*audience start venue on fire and spontaneously acquire pitchforks

Thank you, thank you. So I recently got married and became a father…

*audience stops violence and perks up

*comedian opens up jacket to reveal a bomb and grabs the detonating pull cord

Thank you. If you could please turn your phones back on and follow me on Twitter…Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, SnapChat…



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