This Is the Most Redneck Item That I’ve Ever Seen

Far from the stereotype of simpler folk with simpler pleasures, rednecks are just as caught up in the spell of mindless consumerism as the rest of us, and you wouldn’t believe some of the stuff they will buy.

I came across these gems online the other day and about spit my eyes out.


Do not adjust your optic nerve, you are seeing that correctly. Those are fishing lures with professional football team logos on them. The implications here are mind-boggling,

First of all we have a product development team somewhere who had a meeting, brainstormed some ideas, researched the market viability of these items, and then decided to put them into production and distribute them nationwide. The thing that is crazy here is not that they thought they could sell such absurd doo-dads, the thing is that they actually can.

Next in line we have the status symbol collectors and completists who will buy them and display them. Probably in a room they call their man cave, or some other testament to the drudgery of their lives. Maybe it is that giant den in the basement at your grandpas, with the pool tables and big screen and beer fridge and retro signs and hundreds or thousands of items branded with his favorite sports teams. You know, the Game Room that is full of hundreds of thousands of dollars of stuff that gets used 2-3 times a year. The midlife/retiree equivalent of a treehouse that never gets played in except when cousins make their annual visits.

The thing that really messes with my head though is that there are going to be people who actually fish with them. Some of them might claim that the logo of Their Team is lucky and helps them catch more fish. Maybe they will even have rival team/lure users in the same boat battling it out like a couple of camoflauged wizards.

This shit is redneck mageck. By drawing the sigil which represents their tribal identity on the sacred artifact, and casting it with their staff, they are able to summon fish. And thanks to some tiny little fingers in Taiwan, their spells are now being mass produced.

The average American angler spends $1,261 a year. The fish have zero budget. Not very sporting if you ask me.

The average American hunter spends $2,484 a year – and then probably goes online to defend themselves against Marxist vegan propaganda while explaining how they are just trying to feed their family on a budget by spending twice as much or more on hunting as they would have on the same amount of meat. All the while holding onto a notion of carrying on generations of rugged manly traditions, such as trips to Wal Mart to buy ammo like their great-great grandfather had to travel forty miles by mule to get to, in his day, you know.

Sadly, redneck consumer absurdities are no worse than anybody else’s. Most people’s happiness, identity and status is so intertwined with what they buy that we end up looking like human rat race cars that are branded with our owners logos. You are what you buy. And apparently some folks are NFLures.

Life is a hoot, ya’all!


2 thoughts on “This Is the Most Redneck Item That I’ve Ever Seen

    1. Thank you, suburbanlife.

      I have had a lot more exposure to male rednecks and their shenanigans, which made it very easy to write about. I am afraid I do not understand the basics of feminine redneckdom, let alone its nuance, enough to comment hilariously on it. But I can see a pretty scathingly hilarious masturbation joke in the nail thing.

      “I got a different NASCAR number painted on each nail so I could fool around with different fellas each afternoon, or all of them at one!”

      Sorry, you asked for it.

      Liked by 1 person

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