The Church of Satan: Now Even More of A Parody of Itself

The Church of Satan, who recently claimed sex robots will save humanity, are the most tiresome sort of reactionary cliche imaginable; and nowhere nearly as rebellious as they believe they are.

When I was in my early twenties I went through a stage with my peers where competitive blaspheming signaled ones individuality. During that time I thought that The Church of Satan were sort of okay, but they still seemed way too obvious for my tastes. Merely attaching yourself to a symbol for rebellion that was a shocking antithesis of the symbol for normality came off as a bit too unimaginative for me. However in those days you had to go looking for their nonsense, as they didn’t get the sort of media attention they do these days.

And now they are back again. Mysterious Universe reports:

The Church of Satan began a social media campaign this week advocating for the use of sex robots to save humankind from its basest desires through allowing us to enact those base desires – on robots. Sex robots are appearing in more and more bedrooms, and the technology will only get better. Until we all abandon reality for virtual ones, that is. While commercial sex robots are a relatively new phenomenon, apparently Church of Satan founder Anton Szandor LaVey (née Howard Stanton Levey) was arguing for the use of realistic “humanoids” as early as the 1980s.

They also included this gem from a totally Satanic edgelord essay from 1996:

These humanoids will be constructed to be as realistic as possible, and available to anyone who can afford one. Recognizing that the human animal often raises himself up through the denigration of another, this would provide a safe outlet for such behavior.

Who else recognizes that this cynical, species self-deprecating, deterministic bullshit is just basic Protestant philosophy in a big scary mask? That is exactly what it is.

The human animal. This is just a rehashing of the old Protestant belief in the naive realism of creation, and its tiresome dualism of ape and essence. Where Christians speak of the Sinner and the Soul, The Church of Satan has merely recycled the same basic premises into the Desire and the Human Animal. In this case the desire is one to denigrate others, because it is not enough just relegate individuals to deterministic ids, they also have to be total shithead egos because – IN YOUR FACE CHRISTIANS!

Yeah, I am real impressed by your edgy juvenile posturing, Church of Satan. I am totally enamored of your shocking threats to build more dumbass monuments, and all of the other equal but opposite, unimaginative, reactionary spectacles you use to fill your silly little inside-out identities.

As if compulsive defiance isn’t just more boring, rehashed PROTESTantism. Maybe you should throw some tea in the harbor, Church of Satan, but definitely not green tea. It has gotta be black. Black as your icy goth hearts. And maybe do it while singing about puppy rape, because all those damn insufferable norms have conformed against puppy rape, so it would be so hardcore if you sang about it. That would really piss people off. And pissing people off is so fucking rebellious, because its not like regular Joe Blow and Mary Schmo ever do that. No, you are so special. You are one of a kind. A dark snowflake who could endure the very flames of hell, which you deny exists even while adopting its decor and motif. Well played, Dark-edge-lords, well played.


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